


Doubts

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Mass Effect 1, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 00:10:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7076395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan prepares himself to confront Shepard and end whatever relationship they might have before it can begin. It's for the best... right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubts

How many times had he wanted to say it?

It was at least a dozen by this point. Maybe more. Kaidan sat, stiffly upright, fingertips tapping the tabletop in front of him. It was early. It was quiet. He’d had his morning rations and, now that he was into his second cup of coffee, he was thinking clearly.

He had no one to blame but himself, really, and he knew that. He shouldn’t have slipped up and told the commander that he thought she was beautiful that time. Or the time after that. He shouldn’t have unloaded his sad story about Jump Zero and Rahna on her when she was clearly just trying to be friendly. He shouldn’t have fussed endlessly over her while she was unconscious after Eden Prime. He certainly shouldn’t have acted like an eager, lovesick puppy every time she said she’d be back to talk to him later.

‘I’d like that.’ The lieutenant’s own words were haunting his mind. Mocking him.

Somehow, he couldn’t help it.

Today was the day. He’d worked it all out in his mind. Kaidan couldn’t risk ruining her reputation or distracting her with his antics. Since the moment he’d laid eyes on her, he’d been fascinated with the prospect, the allure. For a while, he’d been content to push everything aside and let it wait until they had a bit of shore leave to really explore the possibilities. Of the two of them, if they were to allow things to go too far, she would be the one to suffer the consequences. Under her command, on the same ship, fighting the same battles, intermingling work and personal lives was a dangerous, tempting, forbidden business. Today, he was going to crush his own dreams, and run the risk of disappointing her, too.

At least for now, he reminded himself. It was that glimmer of hope that helped him to find the strength to push forward.

His breath hitched in his throat as Shepard made her appearance. He’d expected her, as he always did at this time of day. Military life had a habit of making the schedules of soldiers very predictable. He and his commanding officer were no different in that aspect. Kaidan couldn’t help but watch her, methodically retrieving food first, then pouring herself a cup of coffee. It made him smile the way she always filled the cup to the brim so she could take a couple of precious sips before moving to the table. Every morning she spilled a few drops on the counter and sighed heavily at herself as she cleaned up the mess.

She must have felt eyes on her, because she looked up at him and then mirrored his amused expression. Kaidan tried his hardest to wipe the goofy grin off of his face and ignore the butterflies in his stomach.

“Can I get you anything while I’m over here? Some cardboard-like toast or a refill?” she asked with a sing-song tone.

Quiet as the Normandy was at this time of day, he could almost imagine this as a domestic situation. A kitchen instead of a ship’s galley and pyjamas instead of uniforms. He internally cursed himself for such a thought at this moment of all moments.

“No, thanks. I’m fine,” Kaidan softly responded. Tearing his eyes from her and locking them firmly on the cup in his hand.

“Good morning,” Shepard said as she set her very full coffee and meager rations down on the table across from him and took a seat. “Sleep well?”

The lieutenant’s brow furrowed slightly as he mulled over the words he’d planned to say one last time. This was his best opportunity. No one else was up, all was quiet, and they’d be able to distract themselves with work for the day soon enough.

“Something wrong?” she asked, ignoring her breakfast for a moment to focus intently on him. He felt his cheeks burning under her scrutinizing stare.

“I’ve, uh, been meaning to talk to you,” he stammered, idly rubbing the back of his neck as he scrambled to strengthen his resolve.

“Okay,” came Shepard’s calm reply. He could hear the twinge of concern in her voice, but she was listening. She was always willing to listen. He loved that about her.

“About you and me,” Kaidan began, lifting his eyes to meet hers. His mouth suddenly went dry, completely losing his train of thought as a flush rose to her cheeks and a smile crept across her lips. That sort of look didn’t happen nearly often enough and it caught him by surprise. The lieutenant blinked rapidly, a feeble attempt to urge his brain to focus again. “About us, I mean…”

“I’m looking forward to shore leave.” Shepard said it so fluidly and plainly that his words eluded him once more. The broad grin that graced her lips surely made his heart stop. “You know, so we can get to know one another outside of work where someone is constantly trying to kill us. Like normal people do.”

He dared to acknowledge the possibility that this was no mere crush or potential fling. He had every reason to believe that she was speaking honestly, and it seemed as though there was more to her interest than appearances alone. Kaidan had initiated the flirting between them, even if accidentally, but to have verification that she wanted to know him as a person, not just a physical diversion… it changed everything.

Shepard seemed to read the conflict within and quickly added, “sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just… I just needed to say that, I guess. Go on.” She bit her lip, looking somehow adorably shy and apologetic in the aftermath of her intrusion. It was another unexpected glimpse into the strangely human side of the famous Commander Shepard.

Kaidan couldn’t help but chuckle in response. He rolled his shoulders and sighed, officially giving up on the speech he’d had prepared in his mind that had long since escaped him. “I was thinking the same thing.”

“Well, good,” Shepard said, unwrapping and moving the pre-packaged and freeze-dried rations around on her plate with a rather dissatisfied expression on her face. “I’m planning on finding some really good food because this stuff just isn’t cutting it.”

Kaidan nodded, lifting the mug to his lips to try and conceal an uncharacteristically cheery smile. “You’ve got it.”


End file.
